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Im going through a stage where I dont exactly recognise myself.
Im not wanting to think about diabetes any more than I have to, yet I do think about it all the time! Where I go through the motions of what I need to do, yet theres more and Im too tired to face it so Im on autopilot.
Am I alone in this exhaustion?
The three monthly appointment was so stressful for me I literally ran the opposite direction and let my dear husband handle it. He says to the endo that I interpret their manner as criticism. I probably have to grow up. But where do I get those additional rescources from? We are on the same team, afterall but the tools they've given us arent working. I want to cry when I almost beg them for an I:C and am told no, a sliding scale will do.
The waiting in the queue. S T R E S S. Too much , that I dont need. A two hour wait with 2 kids under 3. OH dear Lord. Who is this person?
Ive had to cut so much extra baggage in my life in order to handle diabetes. People. Activities. As Ive said previously, drama (that comes with the people) and the like - all gotta go. I look at it like a sinking ship, its going down slowing, a pin prick in the bottom, but surely as day turns to night, the water is seeping in. So you GET RID of baggage. Off the side of the boat it goes!
Sadly, my blog has also taken a back seat, not permanently, just so I can come up for air.
Ive been in a camping chair, kicking back, watching the storm clouds roll in and scoping out our new chickens, Polly, Molly and Dolly, scratching around their new coop. Now, they have to be the easiest and calmest backyard pets. Im envious of the simplicity of their lives.
Sorry about the stress.. Hope you feel better soon. Glad you can sit back and watch the chickens a few min... I have done that also..kinda of calming :)
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers
No Jules, you are not alone in the feeling of not recognizing yourself and in needing to "purge" the boat so-to-speak. I think of you often and am so glad that you posted!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd...
The life of a chicken seems simple...and kinda boring. xo
Jules you are so not alone. It's been kicking my ass lately, too. I am the same about the endo appts, I go but the whole time I feel defensive. And we have a rockstar team there, I just hate hearing any areas where I am lacking. I keep reminding myself, I am a human not an organ and will never truly be a perfect pancreas no matter how I try. It is hard feeling like we HAVE TO keep our kids safe from the harms of d or they'll grow up with no limbs, blindness, and kidney damage - yep, I'm that dramatic in my inner dialogue to myself.
ReplyDeleteI know that I have had to cut a lot out of my life to make it work, but recently I decided the one thing that had to give was sleep. I now make sure that I get at least a four hour chunk somewhere in the night meaning TJ HAS TO get up and do all that comes with a check by himself so that I am not a raging lunatic the next day!
I've also stopped doing things that I feel I "should" and just do things I need to AND want to do, I know it sounds weird, but it's helped. Laundry doesn't get put away as quickly, but I have been enjoying playing soccer with the kiddos more.
I wish I were there to be with you, to sit and watch the chickens (but chickens freak me out!), I hope you truly know you're never alone in these feelings.
Take care :)
You are not alone at all. I think you are completely normal to be feeling like you are. I wish the docs would listen to what you want, because YOU are the one dealing with this day to day.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth... I was very unhappy with our treatment plan, and wasn't getting anywhere with the educators, so one day I just decided to figure it out on my own. I logged and tested like crazy, made notes, documented foods, and from there I was able to figure out an I:C ratio for Elise and her correction factor. We now have MUCH tighter control, and I am happier doing it this way. BUT... it was a lot of work, and it took awhile to figure it all out.
I hope things calm down and get easier for you asap. I know what a beating this disease can be.
Do you have another endo option?? Sometimes a doctor(of any kind) can be great, but just don't fit. Might be worth looking into.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. If nothing else, ALWAYS remember that. I remember that "robotic" stage. Sometimes I still pay it a visit for a period of time. Like right now.
Baggage sucks, its unnecessary and it is way to heavy to haul around. IMO!
Hang in there! You are strong. (((HUGS)))
I took a break too, mostly over the summer and partly because the boys were running me crazy at home, but partly because I needed a break. Take it. But come back. Write for therapy when you need too. Know you are not alone. And I also did a "baggage" check in the spring. We changed churches over it. And it was all d-related in one way or another. It's hard, but healthy sometimes. Again, take the break, but don't isolate yourself. We are all here. You can do this.
ReplyDeleteyou are definitely not alone Jules. sometimes i am so exhausted of the middle of the night checks, corrections, bg finger pokes, basal rate changes, etc...just the whole never-ending-ness of it. Sending big HUGS out to you and I hope you have a better weekend. :o)
ReplyDeleteSame as everyone else. I lost 35 kilos over the 2 years before Mr 11's diagnosis. In the 18 months since then I've put most of it back on. I can't focus on myself anymore. Sigh. I keep thinking there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. At least I'm sleeping now as we don't have to keep up to Mr 11 in the night unless he's sick. Let go of the stuff you don't need to do. Blog if it helps but not if it becomes another chore. Give yourself permission to be who you are. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI hate when doc's make you feel like that. I want to run from my appt's too, though I suppose I HAVE to be there. I think of how hard it must be for you, trying to manage D in your child...I have such a hard time doing it sometimes for myself...can't imagine trying to manage it for someone else. I hope you are feeling less stressed now. We are here for you!!!! Big ((Hugs)) to you Jules.
ReplyDeleteJules,
ReplyDeleteHugs. I'm sorry the appointments are so tough. I think the only Paed endos are at the 2 hospitals. So even if you go privately the appt's will be there. But there should be less wait.
Have you thought about trying to work out the ratio yourself. The sliding scale is pretty reactive isn't it. You have to try and work out patterns nad then make changes. There is no pattern for toddlers activity or eating from what I can tell.
I meet some more lovely families at Jelly Beans camp. I'll try to introduce you to some if you are keen. Love to you.