Ive realised since my last blog, that the very thing I have been avoiding because of the pain, may be exactly what I have to confront.
I said that it was too hard to think about "before" diagnosis.
That it feels like torture.
And... it does.
I find it hard to think back because our life will never ever ever be the same. I conversely find thinking forwards just as overwhelming and painful.
Those days were carefree. Getting my baby to sleep through the night was an awesome thing. Not filled with fear, dread, anxiety, multiple alarms to wake and test his blood sugars. Fear of hypos. Fear of missing a hypo. Fear of administering too much insulin, the wrong insulin, sick days when he cant eat and we've already administered insulin. Fear of the sound he makes when hes low. Fear of the way he looks and the panic that grips me, the diabolical squeezing in my heart and pumping it three times faster than is normal. Fear that I have to use glucagon for an unconscious hypo. Fear that I will be so exhausted that I sleep through an alarm. Fear of high blood sugars. Fear of managing Diabetes so badly that Reuben will have complications in later life. Fear of blindness and limb amputation and things that if I dwell on them make me hysterical with panic.
It seems appropriate to dig out some photos.
This is Christmas day 2009. Reuben was 3 months old. It was to be his last Christmas diabetes free. I feel so so sad looking at this picture. I had a bunch of champagnes, it was simpler times. No diabetes supplies. Just a few nappies, wipes, spare outfit slung casually in my handbag. A smooth unblemished tooshie, free from multiple needles breaking his skin. No lypodystrophy, ( abnormal or degenerative conditions of the body's adipose tissue). Heck, alot of words I know now werent even in my vocab! Smooth little finger tips and toes that knew no pain. A pancreas that appeared to be in working order. No threat of ketones or gastrointestinal disasters that could land my son in hospital. Not even one birthday party where he could rip apart a cake and just mung out. :(
It was decided that Reuben was our third and last child. I was enjoying him, but noticed he was like Jekyll and Hyde. Someone I loved, but couldnt explain the dichotomy of his moods.
My eldest son started his formal schooling at the beginning of 2010. It was a busy time. Reuben began getting random illnesses. I was tired and strung out alot and also feeling quite isolated. I began taking Reuben to the dr. to seek answers. He was always hungry and thirsty and seemingly never satisfied. When he could catch a break he was a JOY. His sleeplessness at night was a real confusion for me. It was like he was in pain. Surely he wasnt teething already?
Id hazard a guess that this was March - two months before dx. He was getting thin. I explained this away as he was learning to crawl and cruise.
The part that hurts is that he was suffering. How grotty and acidic was he feeling inside? Wailing and crying through the night, not being able to get off to sleep. He was overloaded with sugars that he couldnt process without insulin, so he was wee-ing a bucketload. He had tummy pains, vomitting, and was super thirsty. I thought he had broken bones. The GP didnt investigate my cries for help. Im so sorry baby Reuben, I really did try to find answers for you.
If I had had even the first clue what was wrong with you, I wouldve demanded they did a blood sugar test on you.
But I had never heard of the symptoms of diabetes before. Evidently the family GP hadnt either. Do I blame myself? Im really not sure anymore. I thought I didnt feel guilt. Or denial. Or anger. But I really do. Im just good at lying to myself about my feelings so I can cope.
I stand up and be the PANCREAS you need. I try to be reliable for you, be someone who loves you so much they will do whatever it takes (even at 9pm,10.30pm,11.45pm,1am, 3am and 5.30am).......