While Mum was visiting I casually mentioned to her that I felt like Reubs was permanently frozen in time for me.
Yeah I know.
Thats what I thought.
Weirdo... few 'roos loose in the top paddock. Few stubbies short of a sixpack. (reaching into recesses of mind to find another good ol aussie euphamism)... Few sandwiches short of a picnic...Elevator doesnt go all the way to the top...Few fries short of a happy meal. Enough! I got on a roll.
Do I really feel like this? Yeah its true *scuffing feet, looking humbly at the ground* hes my BABY!
Yup yup. But hes 18months old now.
How could I feel like Reuben is permanently going to be stuck at diagnosis age to me? I feel like hes still 8months (yes e i g h t months old.) I look at him, and I see the tiny infant who had lost weight. Smelling sweetly like those toxic ketones, vomitting, lifeless. I dont think back to life before diabetes, I think that would just be torturing myself - the simpleness of those days.
Hes been growing and changing and learning wonderful things. Hes talking, playing games, running, kicking balls, potty training, trying new foods, singing and dancing and sleeping fairly well (when we arent poking him at night and waking him to take in some sugary muck).
I doubt that highly. Hes social and gaining independence every day. I dont baby him, because I have to discipline him just like the other kids. Scissors can hurt you Reubs. Climb down off the table, you could fall. Dont put bags on your head. Spit out the darts. Dont touch, hot! No, no more milk. Ok, out of the bathtub (despite ensuing screams and protests, like any good mother would do).. you get the drift!
For crying out loud, next month is our 1 year dia-versary. One year weve been doing this. One year of pure survival. Im talking about clawing my way emotionally from one BGL/injection/meal plan to the next, diabetically speaking. Relief when we wake up safely each day. Relief that we havent treated a hypo episode in 2 days. Relief when something 'clicks' and I get new revelations about how to look after Reubs and his diabetes.
Will I always feel this sadness and aching in my heart when I look at him? Will my eyes always well up with tears when I think about diabetes and how unfair this is? Will I baby him or not let him grow up like I do the others? Will I ever see him cured, or have such good treatments that this wont be such a burden in his lifetime? How will I handle talks with him about diabetes when my heart is this broken? Will I always feel sad. Will I always protect him like some freaking wild animal on acid?
My eldest asked me "Mum, if God made everything why did he make Reubens pancreas not work right?". I had to explain that God made him just perfectly and its this world we live in thats the problem. Its a tricky question to answer because I know Ive struggled alot with why us? Why Reubs?
Will this sharp stabbed with a dagger kind of pain in my heart ever reduce to a more dull bludgeoned with a baseball bat kind of pain? (woohooo what a consolation prize that'd be.)
Mum suggested I see it this way because hes my last child - my baby longer.