If I recall today one year ago, we got up at the crisp crack of dawn, one day out from the start of winter so we could get back to the hospital.
My heart was literally breaking like the dawn I so dreaded and craved as the black of night slipped away and the first day of the rest of our lives began.
I had taken Reubens little pajamas which smelled vividly of ketones and placed them on my pillow, while I sent out panicked prayers as I drifted in and out of sleep back home. Meanwhile he had spent the night in the paediatric intensive care unit attached to tubes and drips and monitors. He was assigned a nurse who sat by his bedside the entire night, monitoring his vitals, my tiny sick baby. We werent allowed back inside immediately because they had to re-do his IV. Eek. The place was harder to get into than Alcatraz was to get out of - with locking doors, cameras, security speakers and pin codes. Between my baby and I were huge white walls, stark swinging doors and nurses more stern than burly bouncers at a pub brawl.
When I saw him that morning if my heart wasnt broken thoroughly already, it surely broke now.
He was limp and thin. And entirely exhausted.
This illness is autoimmune, these unruly cells that were supposed to attack foreign bodies and help him out, failed him. Instead, getting a penchant for fighting friends, turned on his good cells and his ability to make his own insulin to process his sugars, now a thing of the past :( Like a crappy flatmate, packing its bags without notice, leaving you in an empty house, to clean up, to foot the expenses and face the landlord alone.
The Endos and Diabetes Eds came in crowding around his bed. I had no idea if I would ever see these people again, but they were all interested in me telling our story over and over. The virus, the gastro, the weightloss, the sleepless nights and the funny 'smell'. They asked questions as they peered at my baby laying lifelessly on the bed, things like time frames - how long had he been sick? Did I give breast milk or formula?
I felt guilty truly I did, initially I felt like I had harmed my baby because of their rapid fire questions.
Theres real healing in talking about those days. The salve of being heard. Of being understood. A friend who 'gets it' saying, yup I know it truly sucks. Thankyou DOC.
Thankyou that you validate me and say to me, yup this is hard. Diabetes SUCKS!
Or Diabetes is a big fat turd. (Thankyou Reyna and Joe from Beta Buddies).
Or hearing Sugar coat all you like. When I prick my kids finger, I see blood. Not F-ckin glitter. (Thankyou Alexis from Justice's Misbehaving Pancreas).
Theres some awesomeness in the DOC. I love when I read things like-
Denise's Ubergeek (From My sweet bean and her pod) can communicate in a 'your pancreas skills suck at the moment' kind of tone.
And in Sarahs world (The Ethan and Isaac Show) she also has to say obvious things to a Dr. like my youngest was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at 19 months and it's a little more complicated than just finding a babysitter.
Or when Alans (From Two Organs Short) at work and gets those calls- Everyone I work with is used to the calls: "he's high", "he's low", "he's pulled his site out", "another kid pulled his site out".
From over at Diapeepee's - Roseladys dia-poetic abilities made me laugh out loud - I can count carbs in a box. I can count them in my socks. I can count them here or there. I can count them anywhere.
And truth is definately stranger than fiction over at D-Tales. Heidi discusses Dexcom going swimming and sitting in rice, all with accompanying pics.
Im not alone!! I cannot say it any better than when Melissa (From My Corner) said I sit nodding in agreement, crying in the pain shared and strangely comforted by others need to vent.
Thanks everyone, theres literally too many to mention in one day but you guys rock!! I do nod, laugh, cry and feel comforted and like a part of something bigger than myself and Reubens Diabetes.
Speaking of rocks, check out this awesome post by Wendy of Candy Hearts.
Freaking blogger acting up, I had to put the links in all dodgy sorry, it just wouldnt take them any other way and I really had to link to your fabulous blogs xx.