I sat in the doctors office, shaking me knee, chewing my nails, nervously fiddling with my hair and pretending to be overjoyed by Reubens block creations. Could my outfit need adjusting again? What is Reubens blood sugar? Did I pack enough quick acting sugar? Did the hypo come up? Do I have cash for lunch? Did I leave the washing machine on? Are my keys in my bag? A million thoughts. All the time, everyday. My mind is always busy like this. I need some peace.
Tentatively I filled out the patient forms and waited. Eyeing the receptionist I wondered if she noticed my red puffy eyes from crying all morning.
Im sick of ringing Danger Dad at work and offloading on him, about how 'hard' everything is.
I hate admitting I need help but at his point, with things so heavy, I just do. Admitting that to myself was hard. Asking the Dr for help was harder. I blurted out how overwhelmed I am, and began crying.
She didnt hesitate. 1 minute and it was done, I had a script in my hand and I was leaving the surgery. It was easy, but the decision had taken me almost 4 years. Living with anxiety and depressive episodes can be hard. Especially with pregnancies and babies in between. And myriad other stressful episodes in my personal life.
I think Danger Dad will give you an aye on that one! I thought I could handle things on my own. I really did try with St Johns Wort, and B vitamins, Spirulina. Sometimes I had relief.
I worried about stigma, what did this mean about me, that I was weak? Why the lack of help given through counselling - was my problem too hard? Then questions of how will I feel, will I lose who I am, will I still feel things, how hard is it to come off them.
I feel for my kids sake its worth a whirl. They deserve a calmer Mummy. One who enjoys them and is relaxed, not clenching her jaw all the time, stressed to the eyeballs and pulling her hair out, and worrying
all at once.
Yesterday was another first. We saw a female endo. She was awesome we discussed using a continuous glucose monitor for a week to get real time info to see whats going on with Reubens blood sugars. Awesome. We will be focussing on his waking numbers trying to get the insulin to match his overnight breastfeeding a little better, today he woke up at 4.8, not bad. She also suggested a loaner pump before taking the plunge see how we do, and how Reuben tolerates the cannula and insertion and carrying the thing on his person. The other big news....
hba1c - 7.8%
Woo freaking hoo!!! Things are looking up in more ways than one!
That is all for today hope everyone in D-Land is good xx.