Wednesday, May 25, 2011


I sat in the doctors office, shaking me knee, chewing my nails, nervously fiddling with my hair and pretending to be overjoyed by Reubens block creations.  Could my outfit need adjusting again?   What is Reubens blood sugar?   Did I pack enough quick acting sugar?  Did the hypo come up?   Do I have cash for lunch?   Did I leave the washing machine on?  Are my keys in my bag?   A million thoughts.   All the time, everyday. My mind is always busy like this.  I need some peace.

 Tentatively I filled out the patient forms and waited.   Eyeing the receptionist I wondered if she noticed my red puffy eyes from crying all morning.    

Im sick of ringing Danger Dad at work and offloading on him, about how 'hard' everything is.

I hate admitting I need help but at his point, with things so heavy, I just do.  Admitting that to myself was hard.  Asking the Dr for help was harder.   I blurted out how overwhelmed I am, and began crying.
She didnt hesitate.  1 minute and it was done, I had a script in my hand and I was leaving the surgery.  It was easy, but the decision had taken me almost 4 years.    Living with anxiety and depressive episodes can be hard.  Especially with pregnancies and babies in between.   And myriad other stressful episodes in my personal life.  

I think Danger Dad will give you an aye on that one!    I thought I could handle things on my own. I really did try with St Johns Wort, and B vitamins, Spirulina.   Sometimes I had relief.  

I worried about  stigma, what did this mean about me, that I was weak?    Why the lack of help given through counselling - was my problem too hard?    Then questions of how will I feel, will I lose who I am, will I still feel things, how hard is it to come off them.

I feel for my kids sake its worth a whirl.  They deserve a calmer Mummy.  One who enjoys them and is relaxed, not clenching her jaw all the time, stressed to the eyeballs and pulling her hair out, and worrying

about everything...

about nothing...

all at once.

Yesterday was another first.   We saw a female endo.  She was awesome we discussed  using a continuous glucose monitor for a week to get real time info to see whats going on with Reubens blood sugars.   Awesome.  We will be focussing on his waking numbers trying to get the insulin to match his overnight breastfeeding a little better, today he woke up at 4.8, not bad.    She also suggested a loaner pump before taking the plunge see how we do, and how Reuben tolerates the cannula and insertion and carrying the thing on his person.     The other big news....

hba1c - 7.8%

Nuf said.

Woo freaking hoo!!!  Things are looking up in more ways than one!

That is all for today hope everyone in D-Land is good  xx.


  1. Oh, Jules, I am smiling from ear to ear!!!!!
    Such a great report on all counts!
    I think I might have lasted a minute and a half before the tears came at my 'med getting appointment.' ;)
    You are totally rocking it, mama pancreas...check out that A1C!! So, so, so glad to hear this endo appt went better. Sounds like this one has a brain!! So great to hear she's working with you on how to make things better for you and Reub!
    Woo-freakin-Hoo is right!!! :)

  2. Jules, this is all great news! I'm so happy you went to the doctor for you. I hope it's only a matter of time before you begin to feel better.

    A new, awesome endo--hooray!!! That makes me so relieved and delighted for you. Congrats on the A1C, too! You're taking such good care of your baby!

  3. YAY on the prescription and the A1C!

  4. WOOT!!!

    AND...I am hoping the medication starts to bring you some relief Jules. Your description of your mind always going was raw and real. You are so good at expressing yourself through here. I bet you are helping others out there by sharing.

    Chin up, meds in, and lets get going on this CGM study of Reubs numbers...WOOT...xoxo

  5. I have been exactly there. In the office, asking for help with a toddler in my arms. Hugs! Those days are such a blur to me. I remember there were more hard days than not. I remember the constant worry...even more than today when I have three t1's.

    I want you to know that better times are around the corner. I can promise you that. From one mama who has been there, and who's heart aches for gets better. You can do this! You ARE doing this! Run this marathon! You'll hit the downhill portion of the race before you know it. HUGS!!!

  6. Awesome on all counts. Meds are great. I have the same stigmas too and have been thinking of going back on them myself (I think I try too hard sometimes to "do it all myself"). Sometimes we need a little help to get back on track. Glad you are having a great day!


    Congrats on taking care of yourself. Congrats on that A1c. Congrats on the road ahead.

    One step at a time. One foot in front of the other.

    You got this, Mama.