Monday, May 23, 2011

*warning* pity party going on inside.

Tomorrow we go back to the hospital for the endo appointment they scheduled for 6 weeks following the last.

I still havent gotten over the last endo appointment.  (see previous post).    The thought of it makes me cry and Im completely anxious.   Been grinding my teeth and having panic attacks.    I really dont think I can handle it.   I begged my husband to go with Reuben on his own because I simply cannot face it without a nervous breakdown and he declined.    Why cant a man just respond to a woman who is obviously distressed and in need of his help?   I couldnt ask him for his help the way I need and want it any more clearly.  Im really disappointed.  He even takes a day off work for the appointments, I dont see the problem and this distresses me even more.  I figure if he loved me he would step up.   I figure if he was really listening to me, and knowing what was going on with me, he would. If he wanted a wife who felt validated, secure and calm. He would.   I feel completely alone this morning. 

Im behaving really out of character, this morning lost it twice before 9am.   My daughter was being super naughty, then when I dropped her off at kindergarten the little girls were being mean to her.  Im normally conservative and quite level headed.   But this new post-diabetes ME...flips out.   ALOT. 

Early this morning we drove to the diabetes shop to get supplies, hundreds of strips and needle tops and syringes.   A raffle they were running is being drawn on 31st May, Reubens first day on insulin, living as a type 1.   A diabetic baby.   One year ago.  Our life changed beyond recognition.   I am changing beyond recognition.  I have no idea who I am anymore, where we are headed.   I feel I have no dreams, nothing to look forward to, nothing I enjoy. 

Today I have a dr's appointment.   Im going to ask the dr about taking anti-depressents.   Being constantly tired, overwhelmed, angry, disappointed, struggling.  

Too much for one mumma.


  1. First, GOOD FOR YOU for making that appointment for yourself! It's a huge thing, I know. I put it off for months, almost to the point that it could have been too late for me to get help.
    Second, you need to have a brutally honest talk with your husband about how much you need him to step up with the endo appointment. I find that I often times assume that Ubergeek understands where I'm coming from (or trying to come from) when, as a man, he can't possibly 'get it.' Still trying to learn that lesson myself, so I'm reminding myself of it, too!!
    Third, you are doing the best that you can right now so cut yourself some slack! You are out of the bed, your kids are taken care of and taken to school. Sure, you lost it, but you put it back together the best you could and kept going.
    Chin will get better, I promise. Don't know when, but I know it will because it did for me...and that's saying a TON!!

  2. Jules...

    I recognize you through those tears and heartache.

    You're right. You are transforming...for some of us (me included), this transformation takes a very difficult turn...after the "crisis mode" wears off. After you realize that you're not going to wake up one morning to discover that it's over. After you are submerged in exhaustion, and you aren't sure how to make it through another day of the same routine, same battles, same anxiety over and over again.

    I want you to know that you aren't alone in this reaction. I want you to know that feeling depressed, angry, and sad doesn't make you a depressed, angry, or sad person/mother/or wife. I want you to know that, while the road ahead is long and winding, YOU *will* be able to travel it victoriously.

    Jules, be gentle with yourself. When you lose it and scream at the kids, realize that they're very forgiving, and won't hold it against you. After things calm down, take a few minutes to apologize to them, ask them to forgive you, kiss and make up. Then let it go. Don't allow your heart to be consumed with guilt.

    Instead, learn to recognize the burning deep inside the pit of your stomach...learn how to tell yourself that you aren't going to let it win. Learn how to swallow hard, take a deep breath, and stay calm when you know that beast inside wants to scream. It takes time, but you WILL regain control and composure. You WILL.

    I've been there, Jules. I understand, and no one can tell you that this is all rosy-posey, because no one else sits in your chair. You may feel like every other D Mama on the face of the planet has their act together -- they don't. Don't fall for that lie. I don't care if they act like everything is coming up roses all the time -- it's not.

    We all face new emotions, and we all have a different way of responding to them. Take care of yourself. If that means taking a mediation, so be it.

    You are never alone.

  3. Hi Denise. Thanks for the support. Can I email you at all?

  4. Oh just breaks my heart to read this. :o( I am so sorry you are going through the ringer lately! I can completely relate to your issue with your husband was the same for such a long time. He has finally started to come around over the past year (been diagnosed for almost 3 years now) ever since i told him that i NEEDED him to help more or else i was going to lose my marbles and that wouldn't be a pretty sight. I am glad you made an appt. for yourself too...I hope that everything works out and things smooth out soon. Hang in there!! You are an amazing Momma!! Don't forget to take care of YOU too!! HUGS!!

  5. Jules,
    I know how hard it can be to face DR ***. Give me a call if you can I have some tips on how to best deal with appt.
    It can be so daunting.
    So sorry that hubby won't go to appt but he is most likely coming from the fact he won't be ablt to answer their q's because you are the one doing most of the care.
    Remember Reuben is doing so well because of you being his pancreas.

  6. Oh, Jules, I just want to make it all better for you. I want to wave a magic wand and make you feel better and make that doctor be more kind to you.

    Talk to your husband some more. Maybe he doesn't realize just how difficult it is for you to face that doctor and how much more support you need from him.

    Can you change endos? Is there another doctor who might be more gentle to whom you can switch for Reuben's care?

    I'm glad you're seeking help for you, too. Diabetes turned my life upside down, and though I'm in a spot of acceptance now, I still have my difficult days. This disease is never easy, and you are most certainly not alone in your feelings. I hope it helps you to know that there are others who understand, who have walked a similar path, and, most of all, who care about you.


  7. Jules- I wish I knew what to say, I always feel ackward in these honest moments because it's still really raw for me emotionally. I am still very there in the midst of feeling stuck in a hole, I am there feeling like my dreams have been dashed...I too have a doctor's appt on Wednesday and am hoping I don't chicken out and smile saying, "everything's fine" as I have been telling everybody for so long. So, BRAVO to you for being real about what you need. BRAVO to you for recognizing that this feeling isn't what you want. BRAVO to you for knowing that the endo appt is difficult, but not running from it. If we were in the same town I'd be there with you in a a moment. Take care and know you're not alone.

  8. ((hugs)) You are not in this alone and I have a ton of respect for you as I think having a baby with D is a whole different ball game. It's all difficult but I try to put myself in the shoes of those who have babies whose blood sugars are so much less predictable and who can't tell you when they are feeling low. I am in awe. You are an awesome mama!!

  9. Jules, I just can't imagine how hard it must be to handle d and a baby. The stress must be overwhelming. On top of no sleep. I hope things look up soon. I know they will. I hope your dr appt helps! Amy

  10. So sorry you are going through all of this. It is very difficult when you feel you are dealing with D alone, it can be frustrating and overwhelming. I would recommend really talking to him about what is going on and why you really need him to step up.

    Sometimes it is hard for others to see exactly what D does to everyone. It's a journey that's for sure, and a journey we are still on over a year and almost a half later. I've learned to accept our new normal but it took awhile. I still have my moments I just really wish we didn't have to have D enter our lives, but that's normal as well.

    It's good that you took the step to make a doctors appointment and talk with them about how you've been feeling.

  11. Well Shit Stix Jules! First off I am sorry that you are enduring all of this. AND I am so glad that you are identifying an issue and that you are seeking help. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Depression are at relatively high rates in parents post type 1 diagnosis of their child. You are not alone.

    Please update us when you can. And know I am always willing to "talk" via FB/Email/and/or phone.

  12. I happen to think you are an amazing person who is doing wonderfully in your role as mom, wife, friend, etc. I have no idea what it's like to take care of a baby with diabetes (or have 3 kids, for that matter!), but I do know what it's like to live with D and feel those overwhelming feelings of negativity and sadness. There have been so many times where I've been angry, sad, hopeless, frustrated, and the list goes on. I've been talking to a psychologist these last few months and have been contemplating anti-depressants as well. I think it takes a lot of courage to stand up for yourself and know when to seek out help, especially when all you want to do is crawl into bed and cry and not face another day! I'm sorry you are going through this right now, but tomorrow is a new day and it WILL get better. We are all here for you!

  13. hope that your endo appointment went ok? DEFINATELY DO NOT be afraid or nervous to ask for a different endo or nurse! you should NEVER EVER feel nervious anxious, or guilty about anything at an appointment! keep in mind they work for YOU and your son... their job is to be supportive and helpful. not mean, cruel, or critical. I still end up in tears after talking about the nurse we had for 6 MONTHS! i saw her 3 times and I ended up in your shoes- with a bad taste in my mouth, feeling like a failure. changed nurses and omg did mine and my daughters lives change for the better! <3